Talking and Listening

Eduardo del Buey
Foto: Afp
La Jornada Maya

Martes 6 de noviembre, 2018

“Between what I think, what I want to say, what I think I am saying, what I say, what you want to hear, what you hear, what you think you hear, and what you actually hear, there are eight possibilities for us not to understand each other”.

This is an idea that I read on Facebook not long ago, and it speaks volumes with respect to the challenges that we all face in today’s world of social media.

I often advise audiences that verbal communication is only a small part of the message.

The tone and inflections of our voice, the emphasis that we place on spoken words, the look on our faces, our body language, and the emotion that we convey with our eyes all create the message far beyond the spoken or written word.

That is because we not only listen with our ears, but also with our eyes, with our intuition and feelings, with our experiences, fears, and hopes. Most of the time, however, we don’t listen to understand but, rather, to formulate our instant response. Hence, we arrive at two monologues rather than a dialogue.

I often speak of one of my grade school teachers who instilled in us the concept that we are born with two ears, two eyes, but only one mouth, so that we can look and listen twice as much as we speak.

Yet today, with Facebook, Twitter, and other social media, the urge to respond instantly robs us of the ability to think carefully about what we are saying, nuance our message to fit our real objective, and balance our words with facial and corporal expressions that can completely change the tone of our message from negative to positive even if we use the same words.

For example, if I am speaking with a friend and say, “go to hell” with a smile on my face and the wink of my eye, it is very different than if I say the same thing with anger in my voice and a scowl on my face. Yet if I tweet “go to hell” without these mitigating efforts, all the recipient will hear is what they want to hear rather than what I meant to say.

The real danger in using social media in day-to-day conversations is the ease with which messages can be misinterpreted and misconstrued. We have all lived through such episodes, yet we continue to use social media irresponsibly.

How can we avoid making mistakes or hurting people inadvertently through lousy messaging?

First of all, think through what it is you want to say.

Consider how your words will look on a screen without your voice or your facial expressions to mitigate the impact of your message.

Never respond on social media in the heat of the moment. Shooting from the hip can be therapeutic for an instant, but it can also produce results that you will regret for a lifetime.

This is especially true in politics and diplomacy.

The current President of the United States tweets whatever comes to mind without considering the impact of his words on his government’s reputation or on relations with other countries. This has contributed, inter alia, to world leaders laughing at him when he recently addressed the United Nations General Assembly and allies and adversaries questioning his intentions.

The current Foreign Minister of Canada recently tweeted a demand that the Saudi government immediately release a number of prisoners of conscience. This resulted in the expulsion of the Canadian Ambassador to that country, as well as the suspension of a wide array of activities beneficial to the peoples of both countries.

In both cases, the absence of careful communications management can lead not only to bruised feelings but can also lead to conflicts in which blood or treasure can be lost.

As a student of history, I recall the famous “Willy-Nicky” letters between then German Kaiser Wilhelm II and Russian Czar Nicholas II. These letters that discussed German-Russian differences took weeks to deliver and escalated in tone and, ultimately, led to the First World War.

Moreover, imagine the impact of a casual but inflammatory tweet sent and received immediately from one unstable leader to another if one has missiles and nuclear warheads at the tip of an itchy finger. Especially, imagine the impact of these tweets going viral and impacting upon national or global audiences that may or may not be stable. Many wars have begun as a result of an insult to a nation.

I agree that most of your messages will not be earthshattering or affect humanity. But they will affect you and the people for whom you care in some way if not produced and transmitted with care and tact.

If at all possible, try to communicate in such a way that the impact is diluted by a soothing voice or soft caress. Try to think through the consequences of your message by asking yourself how you would feel if you received those same words on your smartphone without any other nuances.

Try to create that all-important bridge between what it is you are feeling and what it is that your target audience is perceiving.

Communication is bridge building.

Don’t let your bridge collapse under the weight of poor wording.

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